A Mid-Semester's Rut

This semester has brought on many new challenges, as I expect from every semester. As in previous semesters, mid-term is drawing near and I am feeling burnt out. As I understand it, this happens to most students, and knowing that I am not alone in the experience makes it easier to deal with. Managing the burnout, and regaining my perspective however, is the real goal. If I fail to do that I could end up in trouble.

Although I'm finding it difficult to focus and get motivated, I'm working at improving the skills I need to succeed in my classes. Also, I'm trying to keep in perspective that these skills interrelate to other classes and future employment. As the semester proceeds, it becomes more difficult to stay interested and motivated. I am losing sight of what drives me to be here in the first place. The primary thing now that keeps me going is the sense of accomplishment from earning good grades and realizing that I do not want to work in shipping for the rest of my life.

As I consider that last point, I recognize that many people work in the same industry for the majority of their career. Some start at the bottom of a solid company, and work their way into managment, securing a solid financial life for themselves and their family. However, with the twists and turns of progress and the economy, I don't believe that planning to work for one company or continually moving forward without a formal education are plausible goals. In my life experience, if you work in unskilled or semi-skilled labor, you have no job security. You can be dismissed, fired for circumstances outside of your control, or laid off. All of these become more and more beneficial for the company's bottom line as you gain experience and higher rates of pay. They can always find someone who will do the job for less. These experiences make me feel as though the deck is stacked against me in terms of climbing the company ladder.

Even skilled labor only guarantees a better starting wage, and a small degree of job security. The only way to get out of the trap of being expendable is to make something of yourself that is in demand and will always be. My plan for this is to become a scientist. The march of progress seems to drive the new economy, leaders in technology become financial powers. Financial powers become world powers.

Money is necessary, but has not always been my primary motivation. As I progress and start to feel the burnout setting in, that seems to be the only way I look at things to stay engaged. The real reasons I wanted to go into science to begin with are to use my intelligence and creativity in my work, and to be valued. The volume of work it takes to pursue a degree, keep a job, and maintain a home leaves me feeling unable to look beyond the surface of what I'm doing. It becomes difficult to see what my path really means to me. Loss of perspective is a dangerous thing, it can lead to depression and bad choices. Feeling burnout, at the surface, seems like a minuscule problem. Yeah, I don't feel like doing my homework. I know that making that choice can result in lower grades. In the short term, as long as it's managed and overcome, these things are not a big deal. When my research is published and reviewed by my peers, they won't be asking me what my overal lpercentage was in english 101, or chemistry 112. The attention will be on the validity of my process and data. Burnout results in questioning though, and when I start to question the very thing I'm pursuing and my life path in general, that is where the danger sets in.

Questioning my path leads me to brainstorm about other options. Being an impulsive person, I have a history of jumping ship from whatever I'm doing to pursue some whim. This pattern is doomed to fail by it's very nature. Giving up never brings success, even if the intent is to pursue success elsewhere. To prevent repeating the mistakes of the past, I choose now to deal with this burnout experience by sticking to the long term plan, and letting the daydreams of other paths go on by. I choose not to attach myself to them and to just keep moving forward though the steps of building  the life I am in the process of creating.

Choosing to return to school, and taking the time to find a fitting path were good decisions arrived at after myriad diversions and mistakes. Now I choose to focus on following through and succeeding. It may be that I am feeling burnt out, but I will not let it stop me. I will find some time to refocus myself and get back on track to finish the semester strong. Then I will work on implementing the same techniques in future semesters to keep my motivation up. The semester is getting tough, but I'll succeed.