Love, Logic, or Something in Between?

In the article, "What's Love Got to Do With It?" writer Anjula Razdan professes herself to be a romantic soul. Many people I have known over the years also hold on to notions of romantic love, passion, and fate guiding them to some predestined, happily-ever-after life with "the one". Razdan's article contrasts the ideas of freedom in choosing a mate, and pursuing romantic love against institutions of arranged marriage.

In the environment of an arranged marriage, the assumption is that the families are highly involved in the lives of those betrothed. As such, it seems that the betrothed are both sheltered from the attempts and failures that a blind, romantic romp through life in search of a spouse entails. Without these experiences, it may be difficult to learn important things about one's self. Additionally, it seems to me that if the family is so involved in their children's lives, then important values are already matched in parallel with the betrothed partner. Relationship skills, particularly communication and the creation of reasonable expectations (which vary from culture to culture, but whatever they are they should be shared by both partners) will already be in place as the relationship develops. I think in this way arranged marriage is a reasonably a healthy way to develop a relationship. Arranged marriages encourage cultivation of important sills and developing intimate knowledge of a partner over time in a safe environment, to the end of building a healthy respect and love. This analysis however, leaves out the human factor. There are many ways in which an arranged marriage may be flawed, including the betrothed partners having no common interests, or no physical attraction to one another. They may work to live up to the expectations to make the marriage work, but it may not be personally fulfilling to either partner.

In contrast to the environment of an arranged marriage, a person allowing them self to be guided by the notions of a destined partner is likely to fall in love over and over again with ineffective partners. We have all seen and heard about people who have a "type" and in particular those who keep attracting the same type of person thereby repeating the same mistakes. By allowing emotion and physical attraction to a person within the confines of living within close proximity to guide one into a relationship, a person may find some initial satisfaction. This satisfaction is brought about by holding certain expectations, maybe expectations of physical qualities that are attractive, or of some personality points that are shown publicly. Some examples of publicly displayed personality points include humor, a sense of adventure, or mysteriousness. While one may initially find these traits by which they judge another exciting or attractive, once the whole picture of a person develops it is entirely possible (even statistically likely)  that there are important and glaring incompatibilities that prevent a lasting relationship from forming. The up side to these experiences is that they allow for self exploration and personal growth, but I do not feel that these avenues for self exploration are the healthiest. Taking this approach to searching for a mate often leads to the couple becoming deeply involved, and losing a lot through leaving the relationship. This scenario often leads to divorces, heartache and even single-parent homes.

I don't necessarily agree with either of these notions. My stance on these ideas is somewhere in between. Some families may chose to practice arranged marriages, others may allow their offspring to be responsible for choosing a mate on their own, allowing and possibly encouraging notions of destiny and romanticized ideas of love to be the basis of choosing a partner. However, I am of the opinion that people have a choice. Both of the options presented in the article seem extreme to me, and not necessarily carried out in the best interest of the people being partnered. While each approach has noble notions of being carried out for the satisfaction of values held by those involved, I feel that neither truly does justice to the well being of the individuals coupled.

I believe the healthiest approach is a medium between these approaches, not that a family should choose a mate for their child, nor that romantic notions of love and destiny are the correct approach. I feel that an individual should take responsibility for choosing their mate. Taking into consideration the perspective of one's elder family members is useful information in determining the appropriateness of a mate, because parents and other immediate family are the best outside sources for information about the self, sometimes seeing qualities that a person blinded by attraction may overlook during the process of selecting a mate. Being personally responsible also, for growing and becoming a healthy person who is functional in a relationship is an important process. No other person can turn an individual into an effective version of themselves. That is something achieved individually. Help and support from family can be beneficial toward achieving this state, or one could turn to spirituality for growth, or even enlist professional help.

Even if there is some validity to the argument that there is someone out there specifically for everyone (which is not based on any observable or testable points, so really can't be said to be arguable or valid, beyond the validity inherent in being comforting to those who believe), once that destined partner comes along it would be important to be an effective person. If an effective state has not been achieved that special someone could be dissatisfied, resulting in a failed relationship and a missed chance. A person searching for a mate who has not taken time to reflect on their values is flying blind and can not be expected to make satisfying, long term bonds. Without that perspective and understanding what makes an effective partner, one cannot maximize their partnering potential.

The partnering criteria to consider may vary from person to person, but the basic building blocks are also covered in the article by Psychology Today editor Robert Epstein. These include being deliberate in making love work, through learning and practicing effective communication and fostering intimacy. His ideas are that these are learned skills that can be implemented by anyone and that lasting love can be created. My perspective on his approach is that it is an important clinical research project, but not a holistic method for building functional relationships. In my view, an important aspect of a good relationship is mutual interests. Through mutual interests a couple has a means of enjoying each other's company. Also through mutual interests, the couple has ways to establish and maintain intimacy and enjoyment in your relationship, as well as reasons to maintain interest in the other person and their life as an individual.

In searching for a mate, I believe it's important to use rationality, logic, and skills related to building communication, intimacy and trust in a relationship especially if you want your "happily ever after".  Failing to cultivate a meaningful and healthy relationship in this way is likely to end in heartache and failure. Based on my experience, chasing after relationships based on physical attraction or surface qualities taken at face value without taking due time to evaluate these surface qualities, is a terrible idea. After spending some time with a person and being intimately involved the involved people open themselves to each other and create vulnerability. Making the choice to be vulnerable to something that is not known or understood doesn't seem like a sound plan. Growing to understand the other person may bring one to the realization that their partner is not suitable for a relationship. The other possibility is that the relationship seeker is not ready. Making this determination before creating vulnerability is a safe, respectful, healthy to cultivate a relationship and relationship maintenance skills. For many people there is an intimacy and deep emotional importance attached to physical and sexual relationships. If a couple enters into this kind of relationship without taking the time to intimately know their partner and understand their own values, needs, and plans as well as those of their partner then the odds are that someone is going to get hurt emotionally.

Romance may happen in the course of acting upon the pheremonal, chemical sense of instant,  otherwise unexplainable attraction. However, romance may also be cultivated between two people who have a healthy bond. Additionally, romance will fade in a relationship based on romantic notions themselves, but it can be added as a sort of spice and additional pleasure taken in a relationship that has been grown from a healthy place.

I see no problem with seeking out a relationship freely, outside of the confines of an arranged marriage, in fact there is a wonderful sense of freedom, excitement, and possibility that comes from the search. there is also a remarkable sense ownership and pride that comes at the end of a personal search. Knowing you met your goal and achieved something meaningful is a wonderful personal milestone.

I feel that, unfortunately, too many relationships are rushed because people don't understand the principles of building a healthy relationship. I think this is why statistically so many relationships fail. However, if after a million dates with people that don't share the important things in common, finding that long sought after person who does compliment the searching individual is a highly appreciated thing due to the efforts put into the search. Maybe suggesting that love can be built as in the experiment referenced in this article is a little outlandish, due to the amount of conditioning and varied backgrounds from which established adults come. These people are bringing lots to the table that may not be compatible. the couple being formed may not be interested in one another as individuals. This lack of interest and romance can be deadly to a relationship. The learned skills of communication and fostering mutual love may not be enough to want to spend a lifetime with someone if interest and romance are lacking. However, applying these ideas to seeking a relationship and forming bonds with someone in whom there is an attraction and interest, I believe long term success and satisfaction may be found.

I do believe love can be made to last, and it requires an effort on both partner's parts. Initial attraction is a dizzying, euphoric sensation that is a short term pleasure to pursue, however it has no long term value other than learning that it is not a good criteria to plan your life by.